Where's the Beef?

How about a brand new conspiracy for all you conspiracy... buffs?

I'm not going to point fingers at any given government, but it's a little known fact that the world's cattle population completely died off in the late 1920's as a result of an immunization project that went terribly awry.

Think about this: When was the last time, while driving down the highway, you saw a cow actually move? And if you did see one move, how many were moving with it?

In fact, you can spot the more successful ranchers this way.. if one or more head of cattle is moving, the rancher can afford the latest in animatronics. Next time you see cattle moving, either stick around, or come back in an hour – you'll see them loop around and reset, performing the same motions over and over again.

What, you thought Disney made his millions drawing cartoons? Get real. He was merely the only contractor to succeed when the governments of the world were frantically looking for a way to hide their boo-boo. He used the money from his secret patents on the animatronic cows to finance his cartoon empire (and, to a lesser extent, the Disney theme parks).

“Aha!” you say, “ I just had a Mcburger, and it's guaranteed 100% beef.” Yes, this is so. More or less. In fact, all “beef” in the world today comes from one of six ginormous cultures, the result of further government frantic research, which, unfortunately, didn't bear... fruit, until after WWII. Ask your parents about all the meatless days back when they were kids.

It wasn't because the meat was being sent overseas to our gallant soldiers, they ate shoe leather and twigs, just as they do now. No, there was no meat to eat at all. The 'save it for the soldiers' bit was just another cover up, along with the great depression (I know I'd be depressed without the occasional burger, and I bet you would be, too), the dust bowl, and the rise of professional football.

Fortunately, Ray Croc found a way to clone buffalo meat, then – we'd call it gene engineering today – converted the stuff in the vat to something kinda indistinguishable from beef. And you thought he made his money by being a brilliant marketeer? Ha! He was almost the sole source for 'beef', even after his secrets were stolen by .. well, you know. Once the secret was out, Croc sold the secret to the Government (yes, Governments are that stupid) and they set up the big vat farms that now produce all of the beef sold in stores around the world.

Of course, you can go ask the ranchers and whatnot about it. Being in on it, of course they'll deny it all. They might even offer to let you pet a cow or two. That won't prove an darn thing, as the animatronic system has improved to the point where the devices are virtually indistinguishable from the real thing unless you know what to look for. Even if the rancher offers to butcher one for you, there is no proof: he's already prepped that one with special packages of the vat-meat, just for such emergencies.

There you have it. And I am NOT going to tell you where milk comes from.